Not long ago, two jokers played the following prank at Heathrow airport, London: they wrote strange names on pieces of paper and handed them in at the Information desk for them to call for these people over the loudspeaker system.

To make it more credible, they dressed up as taxi drivers and went to the Information desk 45 minutes after a Pakistan Airlines, Air India or Thai Airways flight had arrived, saying that their fare had not shown up. Meanwhile, a friend stood under the loudspeakers and recorded the “pronunciation” of the Information desk clerk.

After the fifth message, the Airport police got wind of what was happening and threw them out. The last message was recorded at Gatwick, London’s second airport.

First try to read and pronounce the names. Then listen to how they were pronounced at the airport.

Looks Like… Reads Like… Sounds Like…
Ajheddis Varkenjaab and Aywellbe Fayed I hate this fucking job, and I will be fired
Arhevbin Fayed and Bybeiev Rhibodie I‘ve been fired, and bye-bye everybody
Aynayda Pizaqvick and Malexa Kriest I need a piss quick, and my legs are crossed
Awul Dasfilshabeda and Nowaynayda Zheet Oo-ah, that feels better and now I need a shit
Makollig Jezvahted and Levdaroum DeBahzted My colleague just farted, and left the room, the bastard
Steelaygot Maowenbach and Tuka Piziniztee Still, I got my own bath and took a piss in his tea
Windows Really Good Edition click around to use it just works
Idiot Burns His Balls
A video used for testing at Microsoft

Dutch Idol Contestants at a Soccer Game
A video used for testing at Microsoft

2001 Nisqually Earthquake in Building 27 at Microsoft
This clip was used on the national news the day after the earthquake
My office was across the hall from this at the time

Farting Christmas Music Found on The Internet
A video used for testing at Microsoft

One of Many Farting Preacher Videos
A video used for testing at Microsoft
Jesus vs Santa Claus
A video used for testing at Microsoft

Whitney Houston Barbie

Subject: Is Hell Freezing Over?

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

  2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God".


Costello Calls To Buy A Computer From Abbott

ABBOTT:Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO:Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
COSTELLO:No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT:Your computer?
COSTELLO:I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO:I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT:What about Windows?
COSTELLO:Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT:Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO:I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
COSTELLO:Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT:Software for Windows?
COSTELLO:No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
COSTELLO:Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT:I just did.
COSTELLO:You just did what?
ABBOTT:Recommend something.
COSTELLO:You recommended something?
COSTELLO:For my office?
COSTELLO:OK, what did you recommend for my office?
COSTELLO:Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT:I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO:I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
COSTELLO:What word?
ABBOTT:Word in Office.
COSTELLO:The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT:The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO:Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT:The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO:I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT:Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO:Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT:Real One.
COSTELLO:If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT:Of course.
COSTELLO:Great! With what?
ABBOTT:Real One.
COSTELLO:OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT:You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO:I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT:The blue "1".
COSTELLO:Is that different from the blue "W"?
ABBOTT:The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO:What word?
ABBOTT:The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO:But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT:No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
ABBOTT:Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO:And that word is real one?
ABBOTT:Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO:STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
COSTELLO:That's right. What do you have?
COSTELLO:I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT:It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO:What's bundled with my computer?
COSTELLO:Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT:Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO:I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT:One copy.
COSTELLO:Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT:Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO:They can give you a license to copy money?
 (A few days later)
ABBOTT:Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO:How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT:Click on "START".......
Described As… Sounds Like…
The Sound of Human Barfing
The Sound of Farting Music
Led Zeppelin Satan Worship
William Hung Techno 1
William Hung Techno 2
Collection Agent Harassment
Human barfing was recorded at Microsoft in Building 27. It was not pretty. Sadly, we did not get any pictures. Why we did this shall forever remain unknown.
Human farting music was created at Microsoft as a test project for Direct Music Downloadable Samples (DLS).
I created the backwards masking Led Zeppelin audio clip to prove once and for all they were a good Christian Band and would never use their music for devil worship. I failed.
I have no clue wehre the Willima Hung Techno songs originated. They were probably downloaded from the Internet. We used them as test files for some daily testing at Microsoft.
The collection agent harassment call is real. Mr. Hines had been calling four to six times a day, every day, for weeks. He had threatened my 12 year old daughter to "Get mom to call if you know what is good for her." We owed NOTHING as all accounts had been settled and paid in full months earlier.